So yesterday I went out..with friends. This is quite a shocker given my extremely low ability to socialise and sometimes to even string sentences together, but I did. At 07:00pm I got dressed and went to a little inn to meet up with people I hadn’t seen since the beginning of sixth form.
I admit: I was a little nervous at first. I hadn’t seen these people since the beginning of sixth form for a reason- they made me feel bad about myself. In school they would question my actions and sometimes just blank me out completely. One day they asked me to reserve our usual space on the school field while they went to the loo. All of them! Needless to say they didn’t come for me, and sixth form was no better. I understand that I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and when new people are on the scene drifting apart is bound to happen, but when they would make plans to meet up, not including me, right in front of my face or ignore me when their better friend came onto the scene (only feigning interest when they want gossip) it doesn’t feel good. Which is why I cut them from my life in the first place. But somehow they’ve crept back in.
We had been arranging a meet up on Facebook for weeks before the date and I was stunned to see that I was involved in the very initial plans with none of that “Should we invite Phie, because we invited Vie and it will look bad” thing going on backstage. I was still very wary though. I didn’t know if they would have changed from the people I knew in sixth form and high school or if things would stay the same and I would come away feeling bad about myself again. It takes forever for me to gain self confidence, (when a flatmate laughed at my poor cooking I haven’t been able to cook with people present for weeks) did I really want to start the whole process again? Still I said yes, and with my most flattering clothes I headed off to see Vie and get ready.
“You don’t need make-up.” E said to me before I left.
“You don’t understand. I haven’t seen these people in nearly three years, I need to prove that I am fabulous.” Always I’ve had the inferiority complex with them. When I saw Vie we spent two hours perfecting ourselves and then we headed out of the door.
We found Lindigo and Callington together while we waited in the town centre for a verdict on where to meet and then headed off together. It was a little awkward at first, but what are you meant to say to someone you haven’t spoken to forever-even if one of them attends the same university as you? When we arrived it was much better and my mood heightened. There were nearly ten of us, and we all had something to say so I always had someone to talk to. Most of the chatter was still quite teenage as we chatted about boyfriends, relationships and crushes and talked about our high school days. In year ten we had a feud where the group split in half rather suddenly, today no one even remembers, or knew in the first place, why it happened. the most topical things got was the twelve year old parent that is currently circulating British news. Although we all still felt older we were still the same. But things had changed.
I found that they were much nicer to me and in turn I was much more confident, able now to talk down the table and admit some things that I had never shared before, I found that I was making conversation and talking back to people when they talked to me. I could even interject in a conversation that was already happening. That had never happened before without feeling like I was being rude. I could call it dutch courage, but a toffee apple cider is highly unlikely to take that big of an effect on my cognitive functioning. Still, before I only listened, now I could talk! I was a real girl and needed no support! If I was on my own with some of them I would still feel awkward, but that will come around at some point, I’m sure. At least I now feel like part of the group.
In the end we all had a laugh and when the time ended we all came away saying that we must meet up again in the summer when everyone is in town again. And again, I agreed.
Maybe it’s about time I let them back in to my life.